A moment of clarity

So I was sitting here today being miserable and sick because my immune system hates me, and all of a sudden I had a moment where I realized that I want to be done being introverted and agoraphobic.  Yes, I dislike most people, yes I am scared to make friends because I have some weird type of social anxiety, but that is fixable, and I want to fix it.  I want to make friends, I want to stop hiding at home every night, or hiding at Kendall’s house.  They’re my second family and I love them, but being there is just enabling me to continue being antisocial.  So this is my goal, get at least two phone numbers of people I work with tonight and try to make plans to hang out with at least one…. make prints of pictures and make a portfolio so I can stop talking about how I want to do photography and instead actually work at accomplishing that goal.  Apply for school this coming semester and financial aid, stop being afraid to go outside and take pictures instead of doing the same portraits you’ve been doing for the past two years.  Get a passport so that when you decide to go overseas you can just do it.

Stop being afraid of life.

Birthday Thoughts

So it’s my 20th birthday, and I’m spending it sitting in my office at work looking for a new job.  Is that bad?  I mean that I’m looking for a new job while at my current job.  guess its something I should do at home.  But I don’t feel guilty, this job sucks that much.  What I do feel a little bad about is that every year, everyone gets so excited about my birthday except me.  I hate birthdays, well mine at least, I like other people’s all right.  I’m not even entirely sure why I dislike them so much, maybe its because people make such a big deal about it and I don’t think it matters really; or maybe it’s because it just means another year of my life has gone by and I haven’t accomplished anything noteworthy…again.  Either way, not a huge fan of birthdays.  I try to be, but it just doesn’t generally work out.  Oh well.

So last night I got a wonderful surprise, my friend Brandon who I havent talked to in almost a year called me and we caught up for a while.  He’s so great, what a sweetheart.  If only I had money, I could afford to visit all of my wonderful friends who I never see.  Meh, oh well.  Anyway, I suppose I should actually work, not that there’s much to do.  Later days.

~Lishi

All Right…

I won’t lie, I definitely forgot about this site.  I meant to blog in it, really I did, but yeah…*cough*

Anyway, Happy 2009 everybody, much good it will do.  This year is looking more terrifying by the moment.  We’ve got our most lovely and wonderful president-elect Obama, who scares the absolute hell out of me.  I hope that I’m wrong and that he turns out to be a really good president, but I doubt it.  He’s such a great speaker, and he always sounds so lovely, but that, I think, is why he’s so terrifying.  Everyone is mesmerized by what he says, but in the end, nobody really knows what he was actually saying.  I know that I have debated from the opposite end many times about voting based on the pro-life issue, but wow its scary now that a president who’s so blatantly pro-choice, even pro-infanticide, is elected.  I wish so much that I could make it to the march for life this year, but I highly doubt that Kendall and I will be able to get off work and school to come up.  It’s awful, this is such an important year, and the first year in about 7 or 8 that I won’t be attending.

Art has been at somewhat of a standstill.  Really, since the dreamweaver piece in here (which I forgot about as well) I haven’t written anything.  Some good photos have happened, which I’ll try to post when I’m at home and not blogging illicitly at work.  Is illicitly even a word? I digress….

Restlessness, as usual, has been consuming me of late.  I want to do something incredible with my life, or at least slightly adventurous, but I’ve got nothin so far.  Even if I could just take an amazing photograph, write an amazing poem.  I want to change the world, if only a little.  And yes I know everyone changes the world in their own way, but I want to do it slightly bigger than that at least.

Europe beckons as ever, serene and ancient, and I’m drawn toward it more with each passing day.  If I could just live there for a year, or maybe two.  Ahhh, wonderful.  It would be hard though. I’d be terribly homesick.  Not as if I’m not already, but at least right now I can see my family every few months, not every year!

So I know, this is more stream of consciousness than anything else, and is probably rambling terribly, and the writing style is changing at every paragraph.  That’s what happens when you write a journal, but write it where other people can see it.  It’s confusing.  I’ll try to fix this, but not at the moment.

Its snowing!!  Beautiful!  I may rant and rant about how much I hate snow, but really there isn’t much more beautiful.  I wish I had my camera, I miss taking snow pictures.

All right, I’ve tortured you enough with my meandering thoughts.  Until next time.

~Lishi

Dreamweaver

I dreamt of waist high grass and wind that told me its secrets.  The edges of my dreams were coloured dark, like smoke and blood, but it smelled like summer.

In the morning my pillow was wet with tears.  Somehow the wind still whispered insistently, though my windows were closed and there shouldn’t have been any.  With closed eyes, I tried to find my heartbeat to calm it, but it was drowned out by the wind…  the nonexistent wind.  The lines have been blurred for days (weeks, months….?) between dreaming and waking, and I can’t find reality anymore.  It’s as if I’ve been caught in the gossamer strands of the dreamweaver’s web, and I can’t see which way’s reality and which way is deeper into the nightmare.

Bled it out in ink again, but it only seemed to weaken my tenuous hold here.  I guess they do say that being bled is not as healthy as they once thought.  It feels like sucking poison out, only to be bitten over and over by a many headed cobra.

I dreamt that I was clothed in shadows, and a part of them.  Moving like smoke, I accomplished my ends, for good or for evil.  The shadows hung heavy in my room when I woke, beckoning like long lost lovers.  They seemed almost solid, and I was afraid; but they did not attack me.

My memories slide further and further away with each passing moment as I head deeper into the fog that has wrapped around and taken control of my head.

The dreamweaver has me captured in her cavern of smoke and web and shadows.  Perhaps someday the wind will set me free.

If only…

If I could write you a poem
With all the most beautiful words
It would never be enough
For all the things I’d wish you heard

If I could pour my heart out
Bleed these words in ink
Then I would give you all of it
If only I could think

If I gave you every syllable I knew
And filled each with deep meaning
Still I could never show it all
The love that fills my being

If every thought I ever had
Could be put down on paper
Then I would tell you wondrous things
But somehow I only waver

If all the things I want to say
Could be plucked straight from my head
Then I would show you everything
And nothing would need to be said

So on further reflection

This blog is probably going to be more of an artistic dump than anything else.  It will include most likely some of my poems and some of my photos, as well as random thoughts and maybe if I’m feeling not-so-lazy some actual thoughts on the world around me (though that’s unlikely, as I try mostly to ignore the world around me to avoid the panic such awareness incurs).

Disclaimer:

You may not like my art, or my opinions.  If you have an issue with my opinions, that’s cool, but I will most likely NOT debate it endlessly.  If you have an issue with my art, I don’t care. If it sucks, tell me you think so, but if you disagree with the message/image/idea, that’s not my problem.

Blog #2,400,683

I’ve been reading some blogs tonight, namely my brother’s http://steveskojec.com/, and my boyfriend’s mom’s http://morningtower.net/. which made me think “Hey, you’re not 15 and going to use this for meaningless dramatic stuff anymore, you should get a blog and really try to write in it’.  So here we are, ten minutes later.  Check it out, I was decisive.

But who are we kidding, it will probably be meaningless, and definitely dramatic

Happy Reading.